In three short weeks I will be getting married to a beautiful woman who I love with my whole being and know without a shadow of a doubt that I want no-one else but her.
Yet as the days go by and the wedding day approaches, I find myself waking up each morning feeling a little more scared than I was the day before. Today I am more scared than I was yesterday, but less scared than I will be tomorrow, if you catch my drift.
Is this normal, to feel the grip of fear getting tighter and tighter? It's not that I'm scared of commitment, but I question my ability to be a good husband. As good as I know my intentions are, what if I turn out to be a bad husband? What if we have children and I turn out to be a bad father? I don't know that I could handle it.
Today's statistics on divorce scare me and I don't want to become another statistic - I want a long, stable, enjoyable marriage to the one person I know is my soulmate.
From your wisdom of life, what can you tell me that will help me to feel more relaxed about getting married and stop me from getting cold feet.
Scared of Confetti
Dear Scared of Confetti,
HAHA Don't be.
But I know how you feel - I felt the same way. Marriage is a giant step but don't run --- walk. Did it occur to you that your fiance may be feeling the same way? Consider this a step through a tunnel but the sun is shining on the other side. Just be yourself. If you find something is not right, the two of you should talk it all out rationally and don't harbor any resentment. And don't go to bed angry.
When you have children, just be an understanding, loving father. Involve yourself with them, play with them. Bathe them -- that is so much fun. Just be yourself and if you truly love this girl it will all turn out OK.
Call me in about 2 years. Good luck and have a happy life.
My friend is married to your grandson and I am so happy she sent me an email today about your website because I really need to speak to someone of your generation.
I am 33 years old. The grandmother I was closest to recently passed away and I miss her so much. She truly was my best friend. We spoke about everything and I valued her opinions and advice. You can imagine how lost I feel without her. I am sure your website fills such a void for many other young people so I first want to thank you for being so generous with your time and energy.
Here is my question: I have a 16 month-old son who has been in daycare since September when I returned to work. I feel guilty that I leave him with someone else to care for him but I have to work in order for my family to have affordable health insurance. How can I make sure that he does not grow up feeling resentful? I'm concerned because he is extremely clingy to me when I'm around, almost like he's afraid I'll go away for too long. It also makes my husband feel like "chopped liver". I look forward to your thoughts.
Sincerely, Lonely for Grandma/Son in daycare
Dear Looking for a Grandma,
I wish you would have told me the name of the person married to my grandson. If you have occasion to write again, please include his name. As for the little tike - At 16 months of course he wants his mommy. He is becoming aware of you now - the only person he feels close to. As he becomes interested in other things around him he will play but always know his mommy is near by.
Have you tried a pre-kindergarten group where he would learn to play and get along with other children? There are many around that are very good. At first you can stay there until he adjusts to the environment and gradually leave him for a few hours and increase the time. You will get to meet the other mothers and invite the little ones over to play with your little guy. I think you went back to work a little too soon, but done is done.
Does your husband spend time with the baby? I have a grandson who makes it his business to bathe his little girl when he gets home and plays with her before she goes to bed. She looks forward to the stories he tells. She is also 16 months old. You know having a baby is a full family obligation and love. Let me know how you made out.
How do I get my children to stop procrastinating and do their work? They have exams coming up, but they refuse to study. It drives me nuts that they won't listen to me, please help!
All children do not like to do home work. Why don't you offer to help them over the bumps? Relate to them on the subject at hand and you might suggest - "Hurry and get your homework done and I'll check it then we'll have time to join Daddy for dinner." Take a girl out shopping. Ask her about her assignment. Make a big deal of it. In your conversations you could tell them some of your experiences at school.
The better they do - the easier it will be to get into the college of their choices. Without the study now it will be tough. You could also visit the teacher and discuss this problem with her. I am sure she has the background to help.
My parents introduced me to books very early in life. I love reading and listening to music and painting and cooking and doing embroidery. But it doesn't help that most people my age don't like doing these things. So, I hardly ever have a friend in my age group.
I get along great with children, and with people older than me. But when I see people my age going out to a corny movie, or just dancing, sometimes I really, really want to go with them, even though I know that I am not going to like doing it.
I don't even know what it feels like to belong to a group of people my age - sometimes it feels like I'd give anything to know how that feels. I feel very very lonely and weird at times. Is there something wrong with me?
There is nothing wrong with you at all. Your parents were very wise to introduce you to all the things you write about. You sound like a young teenager and I am sure you will be a wonderful and knowledgeable young lady in a very short time.
For now I think you should join some club that is sponsored by some organization or club like the "Y". Maybe your religious affiliation has a teen group - or there is one in your community? Have you joined a club in your school that goes on day trips a few times a year? I see a group from BnaiBrith get on the bus and go on skiing trips for a day or in the summer they go to a beach and they all seem to have such fun - I wish I could be young again. They have parties - lots of boys and girls are there and you can't help but have fun.
Try it -- you will like it -- no, you will love it.
This may sound shallow, but it's how I feel - my best friend just won a lawsuit in which she was awarded 1.6 million dollars.
We were always the same...we both earned a decent living, but needed to be aware of money like most people. Now she is buyng all kinds of designer things, going on amazing vacations and eating at nice restaurants all the time. We can't spend as much time together because I simply can't afford to keep up with her new lifestyle and frankly I am a little jealous.
What should I do? How do you get past wanting what others have?
Thanks for your advice,
Envious of the Green
Dear Envious of the Green,
If your friend won 1.6 million in a lawsuit settlement she must have had a great deal of suffering and it will affect the rest of her life. Now she is in a state of euphoria and has to get this out of her system. Wait till she gets all the bills from the attorneys. I don't know if she has to pay taxes too. She sounds to me like a drunken sailor. But she'll get over that and her money as well.
What she should do is invest most of it and allow herself some comfort. As for you, if you want to help this friend suggest that she do some financial planning before it is too late - that is helping her. Certainly don't be jealous of her -- I would feel sorry for her. If you want to be her friend, advise her. But if she does not care, tell her a fool and her money are soon parted. Make her think -- if she is not mature -- you be. And from all that "high" life she will lose. Be sorry for her, not jealous and if you can't be in her company --- get a new friend -- she never really was your friend.
I never thought of writing to a stranger about my problems, but your blog convinced me in my time of need.
I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. We have been pretty happy, though I go to school in LA and he lives in San Diego. I see him almost every weekend.
I just found a stack of Playboy magazines in his room. He tells me that he hasn't taken a look at them. He only throws them away after I almost throw a tantrum. He has a fondness for race cars too and although I like them too, I have tolerated the models in front of them for too long (pinned up in his room, might I add). I don't have the body of a goddess, and everything about these girls revolts me.
Basically, these types of things make me feel stupid and unattractive. He's only 20 yrs old, and I'm turning 19...we're young. Am I just overreacting? What should I do, and what should I tell him?
At 19 I would say that you are more mature than your boyfriend at 20. And at 20, he is still growing and trying everything around him. If you argue about the things that he has on his walls and likes fast cars -- I think he is still a kid or could stay that way for a long time.
I think you should try to find someone who is a little older and thinks about things as you do. I would say that he gets his kicks out of all this as a lot of 20-year-olds do but if that is not your thing, find someone else. If you are living with him, I would suggest you move out and just be friends. You may become his confidant, rather than his sweetheart.
Remember, there are many fish in the sea.
I have a friend who thinks she can dance. She tells everyone she can, and that she is so good at it, but she's not. It wouldn't bother me so much if she didn't go out with me all the time. I feel very embarrassed, especially when she makes me dance with her.
I feel like a bad friend. Bubby, am I being shallow?
No, Lola you are not a bad friend.
You are a bad friend if you don't tell your friend the truth - that she is a poor dancer. Exactly not in those words but you might say she doesn't listen to the beat and gets out of step and it might be a good idea if she took a few lessons.
But why dance with a girl? -- no men around? I made it a rule never to dance with another female. If a fellow sees you dancing with another female he may think of a lot of things and won't approach you for a dance. Tell your friend that too. You can get up and sway to the music yourself and that is an invitation for a male to approach you but forget it if you are spending your time with another female - unless you are both beyond that certain stage - see what I mean?
Dance to your hearts content but not with someone who can't dance.
I've noticed this girl on the ferry I take to work, but I am unsure as to how to say hello. The problem is that people on the ferry primarily use their headphones, read, or otherwise ignore one another. Your advice will help me sink or swim.
Thanks, Swimming with the Sharks
Dear Swimming with the Sharks,
What do you think will happen if you speak to this girl that you noticed on the ferry? Nothing. Just say hello and smile. If she answers you with a hello half the battle is won. Then you might say something about the weather or the ride on the ferry -- you might compare it to a ride on the subway if there were one.
Soon you will reach your destination. The next morning or on the ride home you may see her again and talk about your day at work. If she does not want your friendliness on the trip she will either turn her back on you or step away.
Give it a try. Good luck.
My friend is going away on vacation and asked me to be her dogsitter. She told me that I would only have to walk the dog once at night.
The problem is that she told me that I have to leave the dog in a cage the rest of the time while she's away. I think it's cruel! I cannot imagine leaving this dog in PRISON.
Not only do I not want to watch the dog, I do not believe that the dog should be locked in a little cage for two weeks. I suggested that she leave the dog with the veterinarian, but she says they are cruel to the dog. I even suggested leaving it with family members, but she said that she doesn't trust anyone but me. I feel that she is putting a guilt act on me so that I'll watch her dog.
My question is, how can I get out of dog sitting, and still not let the dog be locked in a cage?
Your friend doesn't deserve to have a dog if she wants him to be kept in a cage for two weeks. And if you agree then you are a jailer also.
Tell her under no circumstances can you take her dog for two weeks -- she has a family to help out in such cases and if they don't want to be the jailers and she doesn't want to leave him at a shelter, she can take him to the animal shelter in Port Washington.
Maybe she feels she does not want to spend the money to send him to the vet or to a shelter who does this type of work. I have a neighbor who has a dog and when they go to work they tie up the dog for the day and that poor dog cries like a baby. I think that is really inhumane.
If your friendship depends on you taking the dog with her conditions, I would suggest the friendship isn't worth it. If you want the responsibility and friendship of a dog -- be kind to him. A dog has rights too.
When you're torn between a "safe and secure relationship" and a "passionate and exciting relationship" ...which one you should choose?
Dear confused Cathy,
I guess you are still a little girl and can't tell the difference of a come on and something that is real. You should choose the young man who is stable and reliable. Does he have a career - a job - a future. You will find that if he has all that and shows you respect he will be THE ONE. The young man who is so passionate and nothing else remember that when the passion runs out nothing but ice will be left and who wants to be cold when the fire burns out?
Nuff said???? Good luck.
I didn't get a flu shot this year. Actually, I've only ever had one, three years ago, but my nose ran CONSTANTLY all winter long. It was very annoying, because it's very inconvenient to constantly wipe/blow my nose, especially while trying to hold on for dear life as the train jerks forward and slams to a stop in the subway.
I decided the flu shot caused more trouble than it solved, and haven't had one since. And every year since then I have been lucky enough to escape getting the flu. However, for some reason, the coverage of the "impending flu epidemic" seems more severe than in past years, and it worries me.
So I was wondering, what can I do to avoid getting the flu? If, godforbid, the flu catches up with me, what can I do to speed my recovery?
Doctors say plenty of rest and fluids, but I can't believe that this common sense advice is all they can offer after they go through years and years of medical school and training. They're holding out - I know it.
Anyway, what I'm looking for, Bubby, is some secret miracle cure/concoction that you have, and that I'm sure is better than anything these "doctors" can prescribe.
Thank you, Bubby.
By this time if you did not get the flu -- chances are you won't get it this year. I suggest you stay away from people who do have the sniffles -- wash your hands a lot. Good idea is to have hot liquids like tea, dress warm when you go out -- wear a hat. The most important parts of your body in this weather is your head (hat) and feet (boots) and avoid crowds.
Congratulations to Bubby!
This site was voted "Blog of the week" by The Blog Hunter.
Check it out here: http://www.bloghunter.com/modules.php?name=News
We scored 4 out of 5 stars.
Sorry there's been a bit of hiatus from the site. Bubby's been on vacation. But she'll be back soon with all your questions answered!
love, the granddaughters
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