Help Me, Bubby!

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Friday, July 16, 2004
   
Dear Bubby,

I have never written to an advice column before but I could really use some help.

Over a year ago I went out with this guy for about a month and a half. When he broke up with me it took me a long time to get over him. A lot of that had with the fact that he was my first boyfriend. Well, I have a different boyfriend now and we have been going out for seven months and I'm very happy with him.

The problem is that my ex is friends with the other people I hang out with. When we all get together he is there, which makes it difficult. But when my boyfriend is also there it's not so bad because of two things:
1.) he doesn't feel threatened by him and
2.) he at least partially gets along with him.

When my boyfriend isn't there though, people start saying things about how me and my ex are flirting or they ask what is going on between us. But the only time I see my ex is in a group setting and only then. We both want to be friends, and never doing anything alone of course, because:
a.) it's too weird and
b.) it really would seem like I'm cheating.

I don't want to jeopardize my current relationship but I also think my ex does make a good friend. And although my boyfriend says he's OK with my ex being around, I know there's only so much he can handle. My ex says he doesn't want to cause me problems so he knows to keep a distance. But he also feels bad about a lot of it.

Another issue I have to consider is, do I secretly still have feeling for my ex that I won't admit but others can see? But like I said, I don't want to jeopardize the current relationship with a wonderful guy that really does make me very happy.

I guess my question is, how should I best handle this tense situation? And, what can I do about any more-then-friendship feelings I MIGHT have for my ex?

Thanks, Ex-Why-Ze


Dear Ex-Why-Ze,

If this boyfriend of yours is so nice, why do you have to give a thought to your ex? You have to sit down and write out the merits and disadvantages of these two young men. Then add up the debits and credits and make a choice.

Being in the same group has nothing to do with your relationship with your ex unless you are showing that you care. You can be distant friends if you want, but be sure you don't go further or you will lose this new boyfriend. And don't listen to these so-called friends - they are waiting for something to happen. Don't let it. It is all up to you.

I hope you make the right decision. Good luck.
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By submitting a letter to this website, you grant Help Me, Bubby! permission to publish it on this site or elsewhere including print publications. Your letter will only include an anonymous signature that you provide or that we use to substitute for your real name. Your email address will never be included or distributed. Due to the large number of letters received, there is no guarantee that a letter will be responded to. Any information or advice given at Help Me, Bubby! is not intended to provide an alternative to professional medical treatment or to replace the advice or services of a physician or psychiatrist. Neither Bubby nor her granddaughters are professional therapists or medical experts. If you have any serious medical or mental problem, please consult a professional. Although all this advice is offered lovingly from the heart and in good spirit, we are not responsible in any way for your decision to accept or reject the advice or the results thereafter.

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Bubby is our 88, 89, 90, 91, 92, 93 94 year old grandmother.
A few years ago we introduced her to the internet and we've been getting daily e-mails from her ever since. When she was 87, we began this website. We now believe she is the oldest blogger on the Internet.

Whether Bubby is reminding us that boyfriends do not substitute for warm jackets in the winter, or that it's better to receive a compliment than a brick, she always has something to say to her granddaughters.

Now with this new website, Bubby can finally share her wisdom with the rest of the world. And she's excited about it! (Which confuses us, because she used to say we were all she needed.)

Hopefully this will be as much fun for new readers as it will surely be for her. And if not, well, as Bubby says, it will all come out in the wash.

So, are you looking for advice on food, work, a broken heart, or the perfect bat mitzvah present?

But no dirty words allowed or you'll only get one matzah ball.


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