Help Me, Bubby!

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Bubby Irma's Kitchen

Yiddish Your Bubbe Never Taught You

Poetry by Jewish Grandaughters

Bubbe & Gram

Bubbe's Kitchen

My Bubbe's Arms

Bubbie & Zeide's Favorite Language

Bennett and His Bubbe's Beau

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Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Dear Bubby,

Last July I met my boyfriend while we were both working in China. He is American, I am English. We now are in a long distance relationship. He just visited me for 10 days and left yesterday. I do not know what to do next.

During each of our visits, we have great happiness and our communication has really grown, but at times he grows very quiet. He says he feels sad, that he has doubts. Yet whenever I suggest perhaps the distance makes our relationship too difficult, he says he loves me and wants to make it work, he just doesn't know how.

He asked me to marry him soon after we met, but then said it was too soon. I know he brought an engagement ring with him on this trip, but he did not ask me to be with him and instead said he was sad and we needed to break up. Then he changed his mind the next day.

He is very loving towards me - the most gentle, kind, humanitarian man - and I adore him. Yet I have put my life on hold for him, taking time out of my doctoral studies and not taking promising jobs, because we had talked about us marrying and me moving to America to be with him. I don't know whether to break it off - if he isn't sure now when will he be? Should I be making my life plans without him, or just wait?

I am so sad and confused - I'd value your advice.

Long distance love

Dear long distance love,

I had a similar experience when I was in college and I laughed about it. I told him that it would take me three more years to finish my studies and he said he would wait because I was the one for him. At the end of the three years we were married. During that time I would see him about once a month. We were in the same country but far apart.

If this young man really is in love with you and is planning to marry you, you should discuss it openly between you. If he hesitates, he either does not want to lose you or is still out on a limb and you should not wait for him. He has to grow up.

Marriage to me is a life long commitment. Moving to the states is not a big deal. I moved to NY after we were married, I met new friends and I was with my loving husband and friend. But you must be sure. I think the fact that he crossed the ocean to see you means he was trying to make up his mind and you should do that too -- see other young men to compare him.

Best of good luck.
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By submitting a letter to this website, you grant Help Me, Bubby! permission to publish it on this site or elsewhere including print publications. Your letter will only include an anonymous signature that you provide or that we use to substitute for your real name. Your email address will never be included or distributed. Due to the large number of letters received, there is no guarantee that a letter will be responded to. Any information or advice given at Help Me, Bubby! is not intended to provide an alternative to professional medical treatment or to replace the advice or services of a physician or psychiatrist. Neither Bubby nor her granddaughters are professional therapists or medical experts. If you have any serious medical or mental problem, please consult a professional. Although all this advice is offered lovingly from the heart and in good spirit, we are not responsible in any way for your decision to accept or reject the advice or the results thereafter.

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Bubby is our 88, 89, 90, 91, 92, 93 94 year old grandmother.
A few years ago we introduced her to the internet and we've been getting daily e-mails from her ever since. When she was 87, we began this website. We now believe she is the oldest blogger on the Internet.

Whether Bubby is reminding us that boyfriends do not substitute for warm jackets in the winter, or that it's better to receive a compliment than a brick, she always has something to say to her granddaughters.

Now with this new website, Bubby can finally share her wisdom with the rest of the world. And she's excited about it! (Which confuses us, because she used to say we were all she needed.)

Hopefully this will be as much fun for new readers as it will surely be for her. And if not, well, as Bubby says, it will all come out in the wash.

So, are you looking for advice on food, work, a broken heart, or the perfect bat mitzvah present?

But no dirty words allowed or you'll only get one matzah ball.

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