Last July I met my boyfriend while we were both working in China. He is American, I am English. We now are in a long distance relationship. He just visited me for 10 days and left yesterday. I do not know what to do next.
During each of our visits, we have great happiness and our communication has really grown, but at times he grows very quiet. He says he feels sad, that he has doubts. Yet whenever I suggest perhaps the distance makes our relationship too difficult, he says he loves me and wants to make it work, he just doesn't know how.
He asked me to marry him soon after we met, but then said it was too soon. I know he brought an engagement ring with him on this trip, but he did not ask me to be with him and instead said he was sad and we needed to break up. Then he changed his mind the next day.
He is very loving towards me - the most gentle, kind, humanitarian man - and I adore him. Yet I have put my life on hold for him, taking time out of my doctoral studies and not taking promising jobs, because we had talked about us marrying and me moving to America to be with him. I don't know whether to break it off - if he isn't sure now when will he be? Should I be making my life plans without him, or just wait?
I am so sad and confused - I'd value your advice.
Long distance love
Dear long distance love,
I had a similar experience when I was in college and I laughed about it. I told him that it would take me three more years to finish my studies and he said he would wait because I was the one for him. At the end of the three years we were married. During that time I would see him about once a month. We were in the same country but far apart.
If this young man really is in love with you and is planning to marry you, you should discuss it openly between you. If he hesitates, he either does not want to lose you or is still out on a limb and you should not wait for him. He has to grow up.
Marriage to me is a life long commitment. Moving to the states is not a big deal. I moved to NY after we were married, I met new friends and I was with my loving husband and friend. But you must be sure. I think the fact that he crossed the ocean to see you means he was trying to make up his mind and you should do that too -- see other young men to compare him.
Best of good luck.
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