Reader Update: Most-Heart-Warming-Ever!
This "Reader Update" spans a few years.
On January 30th, 2004, we received a sweet letter from a man about to be married. He began his letter by telling Bubby that he knew without a shadow of a doubt that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with his beautiful bride.
But... he was nervous. Calling himself, "Scared of Confettti", he confessed to Bubby that he felt the grip of fear getting tighter and tighter, each approaching day scarier than the one before. He asked Bubby, "Is this normal?" Would he be a good husband? Would he be a good father if they ever had children? Could he handle it all?
Bubby replied with a laugh. She assured him that when she was in his shoes (many years ago), she felt the same way! She said to him, "Marriage is a giant step but don't run --- walk. Did it occur to you that your fiance may be feeling the same way? Consider this a step through a tunnel but the sun is shining on the other side. Just be yourself. If you find something is not right, the two of you should talk it all out rationally and don't harbor any resentment. And don't go to bed angry."
In regards to their future children, Bubby said, "Just be an understanding, loving father. Just be yourself... and it will all turn out OK.
And Bubby confidently concluded, "Call me in about 2 years."
Well, one month after that we received another letter from Scared of Confetti. He wrote to Bubby that he had returned from a wonderful honeymoon, and his wedding day was completely nerves-free. He wrote, "I cried when my bride walked down the aisle - she was a radiant picture of beauty personified and any nerves or apprehension I had went out the window."
It was such a wonderful update, and we wished them lots of love and luck in the future.
Then just this week, nearly 2 years after he wrote to Bubby, we received our third letter from Scared of Confetti. And this one really made us smile.
Inspired by reading some recent updates, and something someone said to me today, I thought I would write you a short update.
About two and a half years ago I emailed you because I was about to get married and I was "scared of confetti". You gave me some good advice and reassured me that my feelings of cold feet were natural. I married my girl, and a couple of months later I sent you my first update to tell you how good life was after getting married. I showed my wife my emails and your advice back then, and she laughed so hard, jokingly saying that you would have to become the honorary grandmother to our children.
Well here's my second update Bubby - we're still very happily married, and yesterday my amazing wife gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy I've ever seen; our first born. I think he takes after me because as he was being delivered, he decided to pee all over the place!
This morning I went back to the hospital to see my wife and son, and as she was nursing him she looked at me, winked, and said "You must tell Bubby!"
Bubby, your advise did more than just help me get over my nerves of getting married. Because I was able to see past my nerves, the circle of life has come around again, and now we have the most amazing gift that God could have given to us - a fragile, precious little life for us to raise and look after.
Scared of confetti? No way! I'm just not looking forward to changing the first diaper.
Now I'm Scared of Diapers!
This Day In History
From The Archives: July 28, 2004
I have a really big problem. When I was in tenth grade, my boyfriend said that our relationship could not work. Now we're at the same college and he wants to get back together again. I love him with all my heart, but I'm afraid he might say we have to break-up again, and I don't want my heart broken twice.
Now I know you can't give advice that easily on things like this, so I will describe "Will" to you. He's Jewish, (not that I care, I just know you are, and I am too) smart, loyal, funny, cute, and an all around nice guy. So you are probably wondering why I wouldn't want him. It's not that I don't want him, I love him!! It's just that, as I said before, I don't want my heart broken again.
Now I know this will be really hard to answer, but all I want is your opinion. Like, what *you* would do in this situation? I might or might not take your advice. Thank you!
By the way, he didn't go for another girl when we were apart. I know that for a fact. He said he dumped me because he was being a "jack-ass", as he put it.
I agree with "Will". I think he is right when he calls himself a "Jackass". He probably checked out all the "chicks" that are on campus and could not find any one to suit him so he must figure you are there so until someone else comes along you will do.
If I were you I would tell him that at the moment you are not interested and play a little hard to get. See how he reacts. Why should you be hurt a second time? And besides, you might just meet another young man that will appeal to you more. Since you are just in your sophomore year in college you have plenty of time. By the time you are a senior, you will have better values and will have many more very nice "guys".
Don't let this young man think that all he has to do is crook his little finger and all will be forgiven. He hurt you too much -- not again.
First Things First...
Congratulations to Bubby for being listed as today's Cool Site Of The Day! Welcome all new readers!
Second Things Second...
It's time for another Reader Update!
On June 28th of this year, we received a letter from a young woman with a fiance on the fence. Their original wedding date had been postponed (thanks to him), and ever since then the topic of "marriage" had grown quite taboo between them. In fact, he went so far as to request she no longer bring it up!
Of course, our reader was responding with frustration. She said to Bubby, "He should not have proposed to me if he had no intentions of marrying me." She was starting to think she should move out of their shared apartment (which he did not want her to do), and was debating whether to call the whole relationship off for good. She confessed, "Why buy a cow when you have milk for free?"
So that's why she came to Bubby, of course. Who else is there to turn to but a 90-year old Jewish grandma with a blog when it comes to times like these?
And what do you think Bubby said? Stay the course? Try and you will succeed? Switch to soy milk?
No, of course not. Bubby wasted no time getting straight to the point: "I think that this guy likes getting his milk for nothing. I think that as long as he's getting what he wants, why should he take on the responsibility that something like that would really entail?"
Not one to mince her words, Bubby assured our reader, "I don't see any future with him. I think you should drop him.... There are plenty of fish in the sea."
Well, with all those fish swimming around, we were anxious to know how our reader was doing. And today we have our answer:
It will interest you that I left my fiance few days after I got this advice from you because it was silly for me to stay with a man who is not willing to take a jump to a new journey together.
A few days ago, he came to me and told me that he was afraid of the future with divorce rates on the rise. Basically I told him that I am scared of marriage too, but it takes two of us to work it out together; he agreed with that comment. Also, I told him life is too short to hide in the closet being afraid until death.
The very next day, he approached me about wanting to marry me and set the date. I am happy to announce that we are going to get married on June 30, 2007. He is very excited about it and he wants to go ahead making plans for it.
Third Things First...
We also got a nice letter this week about another Grandma who is livin' large online, and we thought we'd share her story with you:
My company is Called Grandma's Chicken Soup. We sell chicken soup, and "Bubby" is the face of the company. I hope that if anyone needs some healing for their soul, you would refer them to us at www.BubbysChickenSoup.com
Keep sending in your update stories!
I'm a mother of a 3 year old son. I just started calling him bubby because I usually hear it referred to as a brother, a bubby.
My mother-in-law said that she heard Fran Dresser on the TV show "The Nanny" call her aunt a bubby. So we were wondering... what is the real meaning for the word or name, "Bubby"?
From the granddaughters:
We've been asked this question a few times. Recently we learned there is a movie called, Bad Boy, Bubby, but that has nothing to do with us.
There's even a "singing Bubby" who will come to your house and perform a Jewish-grandmother-esque telegram. But that's not our Bubby.
One of the more famous "Bubby's" is a restaurant in NYC, called... you guessed it... Bubby's. Hey, they should give us a discount.
And yes, you are right. There are times when the name Bubby is as a term of endearment for a brother.
But in our case, Bubby is the classic name for Grandmother, in Yiddish. We've been calling our grandmother "Bubby" since the beginning. Many Jewish families do this, though they spell it in a variey of ways: Bubbie or Bubbe.
A year ago in June, another woman sent us the same question, and Bubby responded. We're reposting that below for your enjoyment:
I am the mother to a 3 month old daughter that I have started to call Bubby because it sort of sounds like Baby. My mother heard me calling my daughter this and said that it means grandma. Is this true? Should I not call my little baby Bubby? Where does this term come from?
A New Mommy to a little Bubby
Dear New Mommy to a new Bubby,
I think calling your baby Bubby is very cute. The name does mean Grandmother in Yiddish and you can call your baby anything you like.
I know of a case where a family lived in a neighborhood where the people could not pronounce the child's name. So they called her Honey. And forever after everyone called the little girl "Honey". And Honey was Honey to everyone. She was my sister and a beautiful person.
On April 17th of this year, we received a letter from a young woman in a long-distance relationship. She and her boyfriend had been together since high school, and planned to marry after college.
But her question to Bubby was about how their time should be spent *during* college. How could they continue to talk daily without interfering with their studies? And if he transferred to her college, should they get an apartment together, or check out the dorms?
Sweetly, she assured Bubby not to feel pressured to answer her question. She wrote, "I just think you are a very wise lady and think your input could be valuable."
Bubby, of course, was not shy about sharing her opinion on the matter, especially since she has so much experience with long-distance love.
She advised our young writer, "I think that the best that the two of you can do is concentrate on your school work." As Bubby often tells young people in love who write to her, she concluded, "Don't tie yourself down... Wait and see what both of you will do at the time you are a little older."
So a few months have passed, and a new school year is almost about to start. And we want to know... Who's the new roommate??
I thought I would just give you a short update on my life. I wrote to you in April asking you about how to handle college living arrangements with my boyfriend. Well, he did get into the college I attend, and we will both be in dorm rooms. I don't know exactly where he will be, but I am happy because we will be able to see each other when we can, but we will still have our own space when we need to study and be alone.
I think you are right when you tell many of us young ones thinking about love to hold on, because we've got plenty of time. I know I'm not ready to get an apartment with anyone!
Thanks so much for your sound advice!
I've been dating a guy for almost 3 years and we've talked a lot about marriage and being together forever. Just recently he graduated from college and is moving 3,000 miles away to spend some time with his parents and decide what he wants to do with his life. I've always been supportive of him and we've both always been faithful to one another so I knew I could trust him going away.
Suddenly as the end of the school year neared he started spending very little, if any, time with me. I allowed this because I knew he was just hanging out with friends he may never see again.
Now just 2 days after his graduation he broke up with me leaving me completely broken hearted. To me it came from no where. He told me that this just isn't what he wants in his life right now, but he really thinks that going home with his family and finding himself again will bring him back to me.
I'm lost without him, confused as to what happened, and really not sure what to do next. What confuses me the most is that he's JUST met this new girl who will be helping him drive home. I KNOW they haven't known each other for more than 2 weeks tops.
He really is a great guy, but he hasn't been himself lately. He says it has a lot to do with the stress of starting his life and career. What do I do now and what would I do IF he does come back?
Heart broken and confused
Dear Heart broken and confused,
I think the best thing you can do for now is start to forget about this guy. I think he went home because he was thinking of breaking up with you and the best place to go was home. There he can ask his parents what to do and they can help him. Maybe his father has connections and they can help him make a decision. So the best thing you can do is forget him. There are many fish in the sea - so you can go fishing.
Apply yourself to what you want to do most now that he is gone. If you are in school, attack your school work. If you are looking or have looked for a job, attack it in earnest. Don't think about this fellow. I think he was looking for a good reason to break up with you.
So consider part of the learning and go on to the next project. You are young and will someday have a daughter and tell her this story and you will both have a good laugh.
As a Jewish grandma living in this 21st century, I assume you've got an opinion on this matter: Online dating.
The computer is our modern-day matchmaker, our virtual shiduch - and one would think this would be a blessing! But I hate it! The men that contact me have been such shlubs. I thought the city would have better options than this, but it seems men are as unreliable online as they are if you meet them in bar.
Sometimes I agree to "meet for coffee" - and when I meet them in person, they are a lot shorter and balder and fatter than they claim to be online. Although who knows, maybe the girls are lying a bit too.
I'm just frustrated with the whole process, and I'm thinking about quitting and hoping that I just meet someone the old fashioned way.
So what does a modern grandmother like yourself think of Jdate online dating?
A mitzvah, or a mess?
Single in the City
Dear Single in the City,
I can understand your frustrations with this Jdating. I won't condemn it, but it is like buying a piece of candy to see what the prize inside is.
I know several girls who have dated men from the jdate -- some good, some bad. I have a grand nephew who did and met a wonderful girl and after dating a while they were married. I met the girl several times and she is lovely, will educated, wonderful family - and my grand nephew is also well educated - has been all over the world --- written about his travels - great job - they make a beautiful couple and both have loving families. They were just married a few months ago.
But this dating is hit or miss. But nothing ventured - nothing gained. I know another case where all was well but the guy - after a long time, decided he is not ready for marriage.
Of course, it is desirable if you met through friends of yours or family. I set my grandson up with a friend of a friend. To make a long story short, they now have three little girls.
It is also a good idea if you took some courses or joined some organizations. You will meet people.
The old story -- seek and you shall find. I hope you do find and will be successful and happy...
I'm 13 years old and I think I love a guy. I know it's not just a crush, and I know it's not just 'puppy love'. I know and love almost everything about him. He is too good to be true. He knows that I like him, but he doesn't know how much. But he does know that I will always be there for him, and that I would die for him.
There's one problem, the only thing I don't like about him: He is 14, but not yet interested in dating. He has friends who are girls, but he would never ask one out. There are girls all over him, even the popular, geeky, pretty, slutty, dorky, flirty, and funny girls. None of them appeal to him. No, he's not gay or anything. But it just aggravates me so much that he can't open up his eyes and realize how much I -or the other girls- care about him.
I have no idea what to do. I love him more than anything in this world. I know you are probably going to tell me that I'm so young that it can't be love. Even if it isn't true love, it's pretty close.
If I had one wish, it would be either:
1. I wish he would really like, maybe love, me.
2. I wish he were never born, so I wouldn't have to feel this way.
I know both of those are impossible to come true , but it's just with a wish. I care about him so much. I am incredibly nice to him. I try to look my best when I'm around him. I try to act like I'm fun to be with. But at the same time, I'm trying to stay true to myself.
What would happen if I ran away and never returned, would he care? What would happen if I didn't show up to school one day, would he notice? What if I kissed him right in front of everyone, would he kiss me back or slap me and call me a freak? What if I told him how I really felt, would he believe me? If he knew how much I love him, would he even care? Would it even change his life? Have I even made the slightest impact on him? Does he even like me as a friend? If I died, would he even cry? I have answered all of those in different perspectives.
Should I try to get over him? Because if that's it, I can't. It's seriously impossible. Should I try to ask him out and see what he will say? I am really shy, and I don't think that I could get the words to come out of my mouth. I just couldn't do it.
Please help me, Bubby. You're my only hope.
Little Girl In Love
Dear Little Girl In Love,
I think you should hang this request on the wall in your bedroom so that you can laugh at it. Maybe even tomorrow.
I am sure that this boy is far more interested in ball games --- to watch and to discuss them with his friends. Girls do mature before boys so it is very natural to ignore girls.
I hope that when you reach maturity you will laugh at your feelings today. Join your girl friends and have some fun. You will meet many boys as you grow up. Either this one will come back or maybe as you grow older you will laugh at yourself.
I am 14 years old. I do well in school, have lots of great friends, and my family is well off. But I don’t think I could be more unhappy. My mom is always telling me that I am inconsiderate, mean, self-centered, and so on. My brother calls me names I can’t repeat. My father isn’t nearly as bad, but he puts an intense amount of stress on me to do well in school so that I’ll be a doctor. He tells me that my best just isn’t good enough.
All I really want is them to love me. I got kicked out of my carpool because I am kind of forgetful. It was very hard for me to keep track of who was driving what days. On two occasions I got mixed up and they got angry. They yelled at me and my mom. She yelled at me. My dad yelled at me. Now I have to stay after school for several hours till my parents can get me.
It makes me sad. I really want my parents to hug me and tell me they love me.
One of my female teachers was really nice to me. She told me I was smart. She told me she enjoyed reading the essays I wrote. She treated me like I was worth something. It made me so sad that she was not my mother. She hugged me once after I came back to school from a long term illness. I almost cried.
Bubby, what do I do? I’ve been trying my best to be a good child, to not disappoint them.
Sad and Confused
Dear Sad and Confused,
I am so sorry that you are having so much trouble, and I will make some suggestions.
First, I think you should ask your parents to sit down and have a talk with you. Tell them how you feel. That all this criticism is making you sick and even worse. I am sure your family wants only the best for you, but they are going about it the wrong way.
As for your brother, he should mind his own business and not complain about you. I think that it would be a good and healthly idea if you spoke to your teacher and told her about this. Ask her if she would visit with your parents and talk to them. This situation has happened in many families and it is not new to your teacher.
Clearing the air now is more important than "sweeping it under the rug", so to speak. At your age you should not have these problems.
Give my suggestions a try and please let me know how it came out.
Best of luck,
I am 13 and I like a girl. I have known her since I was little. She moved away to another state 2 years ago, but just moved back 3 weeks ago. I invited her to my house and we went to the movies. After the movies we went swimming in a pool and two of my friends came along. Later, she started flirting with my good friend and they exchanged phone numbers.
My feeling are hurt and I feel very mad at my friend. I think the girl started it, but I still think I am madder at my guy friend. I don't like to feel like this. Why would my friend do this? I would not do this to my friend because you have be loyal to them.
How do I make it stop hurting me?
Thank you for helping,
Dear Hurt Boy,
You will find many things during your life that will be upsetting so don't let this thing bother you. I think you should talk to your friend and tell him how you feel about this girl. He will then know and will not make any advances towards her. Besides, at your age, don't worry, another girl will come along and you may like her much better than this one.
By the time you are grown you will have met many girls and will compare them to the ones before. You really may fall in love and marry one of them. So just be friendly to this one and to your boy friend. Your friendship with the boy may last a life time -- long after you are grown and this girl will just be a memory.
So enjoy your youth - at your age I think you will be in and out of love with a lot of girls.
My husband comes from a large family. I tried for 10 years to fit in with them, but my feelings have been hurt so many times.
For example, at Christmas time, my boys (ages 21 and 17) have never gotten a present from their Godparents.
My husband has 11 siblings and they always forget to invite us to their BBQ's. When we go to the club house they will take all the kids on boat rides but not my children. They say they are too tired or out of gas. The list goes on and on. TMy husband can ignore it but I just can't seem to forget it.
Just yesterday, the whole family went to a baseball game. We were asked to join them, but they only gave us 5 minutes notice to decide and we didn't have our calendar with us.
For years I thought that I was such a terrible person. I spent years trying to fit in with my husband's family and never went out looking for other friends. But I have gotten some new friends, and they insist that I am a fun and good person, but I don't fit in with my husband's family clique and it has nothing to do with me.
Sorry for such a long letter but this hurts. Am I such a bad person for not wanting to go out with my husband's family again?
I also forgot to mention that my husband has been activated through the army reserve for 3 years. He comes in for a visit every 2 months.
Dear Uncliqued Mom,
I can understand how you feel about your in-laws but forget it. Your husband loves you and you have a happy life together - that is all that matters.
You can't like or love everyone so just be civil and friendly. You can't let such things worry you. You have a life to live so live it.
I was supposed to be married in May of this year. In the months leading up to the wedding my fiancé seemed quiet and withdrawn. He finally told me that he didn’t know if he wanted to get married and he broke off our engagement and ended the relationship in April.
This is the second time this has happened with him. We were originally supposed to get married in 2005, but he called it off then too. We had no contact for 6 months, until he came back saying he had made a mistake and asked me to marry him again. After a few happy months together I could sense that he was beginning to feel differently again, and then he broke up with me.
I call him occasionally, but he rarely calls me. I’ve told him that I still love him and would very much like to try to make the relationship work. I’ve never really understood what caused him to break things off. When we do talk he is distant and tells me that he doesn't know if he wants to try again, but he does say that he still loves me. I have asked whether he sees us together in the future and he says he doesn’t know.
My question, Bubby, is what should I do? Logic tells me that I should break off all contact, but I just miss him so much. I have cried so much over this. Should I give up trying to keep friendly contact with him in the hope that he comes back? If I do this, how can I get over him?
I am 29 years old and I really thought that he was "the one" – please help me, Bubby.
Heart-broken all over again.
I am sorry that you waited so long for this immature fellow to break your heart. But now that he did I recommend you forget him and if he calls just tell him the party is over.
At 29 it is time to get on with your life and be well rid of this person. There are many fish in the sea and I am sure there is one who is looking for you.
It's a shame that this person wasted so much of your time and you let him. Close this chapter and get along with your life and say good riddance. Life with this person will never happen.
I wish you all the happiness in the world.
HELP! I really like this boy, but my best friend likes him, too. He gave both of us valentines. Mine said, "Be mine", and hers said, "You are a pal!"
How do I read this? If I go out with him, will she get really mad? Should I just go for it and think, "Finders keepers, losers weepers"?
I think that this note was sent from a boy who does not want to hurt either of you girls. So he has chosen to write to you not knowing how to say what he thinks. He is just growing up.
If I were you I would just accept him as a friend to both of you girls and let it go at that.
I think he has to grow up first. He is too immature. Enjoy just being young and having fun.
"Help Me, Bubby!" Disclaimer
By submitting a letter to this website, you grant Help Me, Bubby! permission to publish it on this site or elsewhere including print publications. Your letter will only include an anonymous signature that you provide or that we use to substitute for your real name. Your email address will never be included or distributed. Due to the large number of letters received, there is no guarantee that a letter will be responded to. Any information or advice given at Help Me, Bubby! is not intended to provide an alternative to professional medical treatment or to replace the advice or services of a physician or psychiatrist. Neither Bubby nor her granddaughters are professional therapists or medical experts. If you have any serious medical or mental problem, please consult a professional. Although all this advice is offered lovingly from the heart and in good spirit, we are not responsible in any way for your decision to accept or reject the advice or the results thereafter.